Today's post is not exactly about mission prep - it's for moms (and other relatives and friends) who are looking forward to talking to their LDS missionary on the upcoming Mothers Day or Christmas Day (depending on what month it is when you are reading this!). You can read this post here, OR on my new companion blog "Missionary Momming with the Overzealous Missionary Mom," which has posts especially for relatives and friends of LDS missionaries CLICK HERE to go to that blog or continue reading the same post it here, whichever you prefer!
WHO'S READY FOR MOTHERS DAY (OR CHRISTMAS DAY?)??????
Depending on what month of the year you're reading this, you're *relatively* close to one or the other! And that means it's almost time for your bi-annual phone call (or Skype) with your LDS missionary!
Since I’m new to being a missionary mom, I have not experienced my first phone call (or Skype) as the mom back at home yet. During my own mission, I was on the missionary side of phone calls home, of course, but I can’t help but think that it will be a very different experience as the parent.
One of the issues that Nancy addresses is the lasting effects that the bi-annual phone call (or Skype) can have (on the missionary himself/herself). In a blog post titled “Those All Important Phone Calls Home,” Nancy describes how some missionaries would become very depressed and unable to work for sometimes a week or more because of their phone call home. I have to admit, this issue had never occurred to me - I don’t remember any of my companions becoming depressed, homesick, or overly worried about issues back home after their Mothers Day or Christmas Day phone calls. I don’t know what was said during those particular missionarys’ phone calls home, but I’m fairly sure that the relatives on the other end of those calls didn’t mean to make life harder for their missionary. Perhaps the things their family said focused only on the negative or on their own misery at missing their son/daughter?
What might those parents have done differently? What can we do to make sure that our phone call/Skype is uplifting and encouraging for our missionary?
Nancy says, “We, as mothers, have the ability to make THE phone call a great experience for our missionaries and make sure it has a positive impact on their missions.”
Here are some tips - some of which I’ve taken from Nancy’s blog post because I plan to use them myself during my first missionary phone call/Skype as the mom back home:
#1- Make the focus of the phone call about THEM
Nancy says, “Make the phone call about them. Be interested in what they are doing. The best way to show them you are interested is to ask questions: How many people are you teaching right now? Have you been to a baptism lately? What is the coolest thing you've seen in your area? When is your next Zone Conference? Tell me about the members you've met. Make the conversation revolve around him and his mission--it will make him feel like you are a part of what he is doing, that you care about people he is teaching and what he does on his P-day. Be interested in the little things of life he is experiencing”
You don’t have to refuse to talk about the family and whats going on at home (and of course answer those questions your missionary has if they come up), but don’t feel like you have to dominate the conversation with your own stuff. Try to make the majority of the call about them. Of course if you have special news to share, go for it! But you can always tell them about regular ol' home stuff in your next email…you don’t get many chances to ask your missionary questions about their experiences and hear their answers right away in person, so use your chance when you get it!
#2- Don’t cry (a lot)
“Do not cry on the phone. OK well, just a little is OK. But remember, this is not about you or how sad you are. It might be good for him to know you miss him so much it makes you cry a little. But if you sob and sob about him being gone, he is not going to feel good. He is going to feel guilty for being gone because it is making his mother cry. If you can't control your tears (yes, I've been in this boat a few times) just make sure you leave him with the thought that, even though you are really. really sad sometimes because you miss him so much, you are even MORE proud of him for sacrificing everything to serve the Lord. Build him up and tell him how happy it makes you to see him grow spiritually. Tell him you just have to remind yourself the time will go quickly (good for him to hear that, too) and that you can do anything for the Lord--just like he can. Do not just sit and blubber on the phone, telling him you can't believe you ever let him go, that you want him to be home because he is missing out on so much (Gahhh...do you want him to come home?) Let him know you are sad sometimes but that these tears are HAPPY tears because it is so great to hear his voice and hear how well he is doing! The last thing you want to do is make him feel bad. So whatever you say to him on the phone, ask yourself how you are making him feel. Then you will know if you need to make a quick adjustment and say something that will uplift the conversation. The last thing you want him to do is go in his room after he talks to you, lay down on his bed, and cry”
Oh wow. This makes me picture the many thousands of missionary moms (dads/grandparents/aunts/siblings) who may have inadvertently made their missionary feel sad because they were crying. It’s not bad to cry (I’m sure MANY people do), but like Nancy says, try to turn it into a positive and not end on a note that might lead them to wonder if they ought to come home to end your misery! :)
#3- Get the siblings on the phone if you can
You will probably be limited in how long you will be able to talk. Your missionary may have a pre-set limit on talk time from their mission president (could be 20 minutes, could be 1 hour). Even if they don’t have a specific time limit given to them, please consider that their companion (or other missionaries in their apartment) may also be waiting to use the phone. Or, if they are at member’s home using their computer for Skype, they may need to limit their time there. You will also want to consider any cost that might be involved if it is a long-distance phone call and that could impact the length of your call.
You might be picturing a leisurely all-day phone call with time for every relative, friend, and neighbor to talk at length…Unfortunately, you probably won’t have as much time as you want to talk to your missionary (especially if you have a large family and everyone wants a turn to talk). Again, many missions have a rule about time limits for these phone calls (but even if there is no official limit, there may be other types of limitations such as needing to take turns with other sets of missionaries). How can you possibly allow everyone to talk to your missionary and still have enough time? Try using speakerphone so that everyone can hear your missionary for at least part of the call. It might seem kind of impersonal, but in reality they will probably be answering the same questions and telling the same stories over and over if they talk to everyone separately, so this might make things more concise while giving everyone a chance to listen.
Even so, parents and perhaps other close relatives will want a minute to themselves, if possible, and that is arguably the most important thing. Don’t forget about the siblings, especially the younger children!
Nancy suggests, “Try to allow enough time so your other children can talk privately for a minute or two, especially those who are nearing mission age. I promise, two minutes on the phone with a missionary sibling will do more to influence them for good that just about anything you or I can say. If you think of it, tell your missionary child in your email the week before the call that you are going to try to arrange for them to have a minute or two alone on the phone to encourage and help your other children (you just may want to give him a heads up so he knows your purpose in those two minutes is for him to encourage them--not discourage them!)”
#4- Know the plan
Sometime during the week(s) leading up to the next phone call (the standard days are Mothers Day in May and Christmas Day), you will want to arrange with your missionary (in your regular emails) exactly how/when you are both going to communicate on the big day. For example, are they calling you (make sure they have the phone number) or will you be calling a member’s home where they will be that day (and if so, what is the phone number? Do you need to find out how to make an international call?) What time will they/you be calling (or Skyping)? How long will you have to talk?, etc.
It’s best to have a planned range of time that the call will start, instead of a specific start time. Your missionary may intend to call you precisely at 8:00am, but his companion may have just found out at the end of his “turn” that his family dog died or maybe his grandma showed up to talk to him at 7:59am (and he just can’t be rude to her, of course), making his call longer than planned…(Meanwhile, your whole family is panicking because it’s 8:30am and your missionary hasn’t called!). Or there could be other issues, like travel delays in getting to a computer location or there could be phone or internet outages… So maybe planning your call for sometime between 8:00am and 10:00am (thats just an example, really use whatever time frame works for your missionary) and that would be better than a strict specific time. And don’t forget to take any time-zone differences into consideration…(you might get your call at 4am!). Just make sure that everyone knows the plan.
#5- Do some technical set-up (if needed)
Nancy suggests that if your missionary is able to Skype (or some sort of similar video chat), be sure to set up your device/computer WELL ahead of time with the correct program and get everything ready so that you don’t cut into your time dealing with software downloads and other technical issues. “Make sure you are set up for Skype ahead of time so you don't waste valuable talking time trying to get it figured out. Another option is Google Hangout which is a lot of fun too! Both of these options have the capability of allowing you to talk to more than one person at a time--even those in another city or state or country. Make sure to get everything set up and test it out before the big day” Definitely practice Skype (or whatever you are using) at least once before the day you will be talking to your missionary.
#6- Have a list of talking points
You don’t want a lull in the conversation when you run out of things to talk about and questions to ask…the time is too precious! Make a list of topics that you can bring up (especially questions) during your call that you can refer to if needed. Here are some suggestions: What is your current area like? What do you like to do on p-day? What kinds of things do you normally eat? What is the strangest thing you have eaten so far? What is the funniest thing that has happened lately? What is your mission president like? Who are some of your favorite people you've met so far?
Feel free to print this list out and post it on the fridge or somewhere else that everyone can see it during the call!
Finally, I want to share another quote from Nancy’s blog that has been really helpful for me-
“Whatever you do, make sure these few moments spent on the phone create a positive memory for your missionary child. Say things that will build him and empower him, things that will make him go to bed that night more determined than ever that the rest of his mission will be even better than what came before. You have the power to do that--the power to help him forget about home and focus his attention on serving the Lord, the power to make him believe he really can do this--that there's nothing at home that is nearly as important as him serving the Lord with all his heart” (from “Those All Important Phone Calls Home” from “The Mission of Missionary Moms” blog by Nancy Murphy)Please check out Nancy’s blog - she has a lot of great posts that are wonderful for LDS missionary parents! Click here to go to the blog with her full post on this topic
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