When you picture a youth or young adult preparing to serve a full-time mission, you probably think about Mission Prep Classes or buying suits (or skirts). Those sorts of things are definitely elements of preparing for a mission, but they aren't everything. In recent years, we've been hearing more about helping future missionaries prepare emotionally for full-time missions. Sometimes "preparing emotionally" is thought to mean that a future missionary should get any existing mental health issues under control before they leave for their mission. That is important, but there is so much more to emotionally preparing for a mission.
Being a full-time missionary is very hard work and most of the stress is more emotional than physical. If that seems strange, think about how something like preparing to take the SATs or planning a wedding can be very stressful... neither of those things are usually physically strenuous, but they can be draining on you (emotionally/mentally) because of all of the stress and mental "work" involved.
Elder L. Tom Perry said, “Missionary service is emotionally demanding. Your support system is going to be withdrawn from you as you leave home and go out into the world. … There will be days of rejection and disappointment. Learn now about your emotional limits, and learn how to control your emotions under the circumstances you will face as a missionary”
Today I'm going to talk about something that we have done in our home to help our future missionary be better prepared (emotionally) for her mission. While we usually equate chores and other responsibilities with self-reliance (which is also important), these things also have an element of developing emotional maturity. When you learn to take responsibility for yourself - your appearance, your living space, your eating habits, you assignments, your time management - you are becoming more emotionally mature.
One of my favorite all-time articles in the Ensign has been "That They May Grow Up In Thee" by By Wendy Ulrich, Ph.D., and Christine Packard, M.C., L.P.C. in which they explain the "Markers of Adulthood" (in other words, the things that signify you are a grown-up!). If you are a parent (or a youth or young-adult yourself) you should read this article! But for now, to sum up, here are the "markers" that they list:
1. Acquiring an adult sense of mission (referring to personal purpose, not necessarily a full-time church mission)
2. Establishing personal goals and routines (managing your time, learning to balance work and play, setting goals, organizing yourself)
3. Managing physical self-care (make your own doctor appointments, get a haircut without help, shower without being reminded, etc)
4. Increasing financial independence (responsibility for finances, budgeting, saving, working part-time or full-time, etc)
5. Creating a home (even if it is an apartment with roommates, taking part in household duties)
6. Shifting sense of family (family can be more than immediate relatives, developing relationships with ward members, roommates, neighbors, distant relatives)
7. Learning skills of emotional connection (meeting new people and making friends, learning to resolve conflict with friends, roommates, co-workers, etc)
8. Building community (volunteering, etc)
9. Supporting the next generation (looking out for younger siblings and friends, mentoring, etc)
10. Growing in spiritual responsibility (going to church because you want to, reading scriptures and prayer on your own)
11. Building the kingdom (participating in the work of the Lord by serving in callings, ministering, missionary work, etc)
If I may share something personal for a moment... A while back, I felt a prompting that I needed to start letting go and stop trying to do everything for my oldest daughter (who will be submitting her mission papers in a few months). Now, I'm not the kind of mother who is into that sort of thing, so I was kind of surprised...I mean, I don't do everything for her! Right...?
I remember the look on a friends face several years ago when I'd mentioned that our oldest daughter doesn't do any chores. I tried to explain the situation, which justified my decision to let her get out of helping around the house. All of our younger children have a lot of household responsibilities (as did Kendall up to a certain point) so this wasn't really something we had planned to do. However, Kendall had started college early at age 14, so she was pretty overwhelmed with college-level homework (and taking classes with adults) on top of the other normal teenage stuff like seminary, extracurriculars, SATs, drivers ed, her church callings, etc. At that time, she was so stressed that we were worried that she would have a nervous breakdown. We decided to take over her chores (everything except for cleaning her own room) so that she wouldn't have to worry about laundry, dishes, etc on top of everything else. They weren't getting done, anyhow! I felt like it was appropriate at the time. Besides, I was tired of trying to track down clothes for her when she hadn't had time to do her laundry all week.
In addition to taking away her responsibility for chores, I also tried to think of anything I could do to make life easier for her. For example, she would often misplace her keys when she came in and collapsed on the couch at night, so I would look for them after she got home and put them on the hook for her so she would know where they were in the morning. In addition to making life easier for her, I was also making life easier for myself (because guess who was spending 20 minutes helping her find her keys every morning?)
Really, like many youth, when she was still in seminary she would leave the house at 6am and wouldn't get home until 10pm most nights. After she "graduated" from seminary and the youth program, it wasn't much better. In fact, she was still leaving the house at 7am to commute to campus and with work, an internship, and YSA activities, she often wouldn't be home until 9pm or 10pm every night of the week. It made sense for me to help her... I would set out a couple of outfits for her to choose from, pack lunch/dinner for the day, make sure the vehicle she drove had gas, make sure that she had her wallet (and that her drivers license, etc were actually inside), etc. And I would wake her up every morning to make sure she was on time (for seminary, for school, for work, for church). If she didn't wake up the first time, I would go back and try again. Sometimes many times.
It wasn't exactly fun for me, but what else could I do? If I didn't wake her up, she would sleep through her alarm and miss her carpool, or be late for class! (or work or church!). If I didn't do her laundry, she wouldn't have anything clean to wear. If I didn't prepare lunch/dinner for her to take, she would go to McDonalds or just not eat anything. And don't even get me started on exercising. If I didn't remind and hound her about exercising, she wouldn't do it. And since she would need to get into better shape for her mission, she needed my help....right? I mean, I knew that not exercising and going to McDonalds 3x a day (because she hadn't planned ahead) was not doing her health any favors... if I didn't make her do it, how was she going to be ready for a mission?
Well, being prompted to back off was a real eye-opener. I realized that while it may have been appropriate to give her extra help at one point, she was going to need to learn to be responsible and accountable for her own choices. Even if they were stupid choices. That was hard for me to accept, but I did it.
I started with something simple - I told her that I wouldn't be waking her up in the morning anymore. We talked about her alarm-clock issues (she would set an alarm on her iPad which was within arms reach when she was sleeping, so she would turn it off and immediately go back to sleep without truly waking up). I suggested that she move her iPad away from her bed and also have several alarms (on her phone, on an actual alarm clock) set a few minutes apart, also ACROSS the room, so she would actually need to get up. I gave that suggestion, but I left it at that. She would have to set the alarms (if she chose to) and would have to get herself up in the morning from then on.
The first morning, she overslept. After 30 minutes, I went into her room and said, "Kendall, shouldn't you be getting up?" and she ran around like a maniac to make it to class on time. I told her that was her one freebie. The second morning, she overslept. I didn't go in her room. Eventually she got up - late, of course. Then it finally clicked- "wait a minute - nobody is going to wake me up and it's embarrassing to walk into class 10 minutes late, so I am going to have to get it together." From then on, she's gotten herself up every day. On her own. There were times that it drove me crazy - knowing that she was supposed to leave at 7:00am and it was now 6:30am...6:32am...etc and I'm thinking - man, she really needs to get up!, but I don't say anything to her. She may have had to run a few times to get there on time, but she gets up and gets ready on her own. It wasn't easy for me to make this change. But I did it, so if begging your 17 year old to wake up is the scene at your house most mornings, you can do it, too.
I soon explained to my daughter that she would now be responsible for herself in every other area as well. Now, maybe you are thinking that I was being ridiculous by doing so much for my daughter in the first place. Maybe you would never dream of going to fill up your son/daughter's vehicle at 11:00pm because they forgot to get gas, or even think of waking them up 5 times in a row (even if it did seem appropriate at the time). But there are probably some things that you are doing that could be enabling your son/daughter from being fully responsible for themselves. I'll leave it to you to figure out what those things might be (and if you ask, I'm sure Heavenly Father will help you).
Consequences are an important element here. A youth or young adult needs to learn that their decisions and actions have consequences. Most choices have their own obvious natural consequences (if you don't show up for work, you will eventually be fired; if you miss too much seminary you won't pass/graduate; if you don't brush and floss you will have poor dental health, etc). As mature adults we know that (and some youth and young adults know these things as well...but some don't realize or don't care). If your 16 year old simply doesn't care if they miss seminary because they don't care about passing/graduating, you may need to step in with a consequence (such as, if you don't attend seminary every day during the week, you can't use the car on Saturday). That's just an example, of course- use your own discretion and judgement based on your situation and what your child needs.
The missionary section of lds.org says (directed to parents), "You know your child best. Counsel with the Lord and with your local priesthood leaders to know how to help your child prepare spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially for missionary service. Encourage your child to maintain daily habits of prayer and scripture study. Help your child strengthen his or her understanding and testimony of the gospel"
These days our daughter prepares her own meals, finds her own keys, does chores, gets herself to the gym, and wakes herself up. She's not lazy, but hey - if somebody was going to do everything for me, I would be tempted to let them, too! It's like having your own personal assistant, housekeeper, and personal chef! I had to be the one to say, no, I am stepping back now and you are doing these things from now on. This is going to help her to be more prepared for her mission, but it also will give her the confidence that she doesn't need mom to do everything for her. Because she doesn't.Of course this doesn't mean that I am not there for her when she needs help. One evening she said, "I need to be at school early for a test and I can't sleep because I'm worried that my alarms won't go off. Can you make sure that I am up by 6:15am this one time?" and of course I did. I also make sure that there are healthy food options in the house for when she packs her lunch/dinner. I am available to go to the gym with her whenever she is able to go. I am trying to be a more supportive mom to a young adult, and less of a do-everything-for-you mom of a youth.
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| Cartoon from JimBenton.com |
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